So today I am trying to take it easy. I’m sore, part of my arm’s numb, I’m pissed off and unbelievably knackered. I assume the latter is partly the after-effects of surgery and general anaesthesia, and partly being ten weeks pregnant.
On Friday I had a wide area excision – an operation to remove a small tumour and some surrounding tissue. I also had some lymph nodes samples taken to see whether the cancer has spread. I cannot believe it has, but then I still can’t really believe I had (have?) it in the first place. In theory, I might not get my results for another ten days, which seems a hideously long time to wait and, from the pregnancy point of view, agonising.
I have decided not to make any decisions about this pregnancy until I get the results. The odds are massively stacked against it: my age (mid-forties); tumour type (apparently if it’s oestrogen receptor positive continuing with a pregnancy would probably be bonkers); possible follow-up treatment required (radiotherapy or chemo – neither great in pregnancy); the fact that I hadn’t planned to have any more children. Oh, and the fact that this baby has a one in four chance of having a rare and fatal genetic condition (we will need an amnio or CVS to tell).
But, perhaps stupidly, or for other reasons I can’t or don’t want to explain, I don’t feel able to give up on it just yet. I do not want to make a decision that I might subsequently regret without knowing all the facts. And the risks of course. But the clock is ticking – I cannot leave it too long to make that decision.